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tucked into his cornflakes he grimaced and spat them back into the
bowl.
Ugh! he choked before picking up the sugar bowl. Placing
a granule on his tongue he rolled his eyes. Wilson! You ve put
salt in the sugar bowl!
Surely not sir?
Benjamin noticed a sly look about Brother Julius. Karim duly
noted it as well and this, along with the Monk s shenanigans with
the bell, set him towards getting revenge.
That morning he marched out to the garden shed, removed a
trowel, a fork and a shovel then went to work on the only wild part
of soil next to the cabbage patch. He cleared it of weeds, setting to
work on a compost heap on the side to fertilise the soil.
Wilson? he stood in the kitchen doorway as the butler did
the cleaning. May I have all the potato peel, egg shells and
Skag s excrement to put on my compost heap?
Eh well Brother Julius is using them for his compost heap.
Give me half then, Karim said sternly.
I suppose so but wouldn t it make more sense to share the
compost heap?
I don t want to share anything with that Monk! Karim
marched back out to the garden to till the soil.
Very soon he had made his own patch of soil to the right of
the lawn whilst the Monk looked after the lion s share. Wilson and
Benjamin watched from the kitchen window as both men went to
work without acknowledging one another. Their backs turned Karim
raked the soil whilst Julius placed canes against the back fence
above where he had planted tomato seeds.
Hostilities worsened again moments later as Karim rolled out
his mat to pray on. Julius produced a lighter and used the flame to
set the mat on fire. An enraged Karim shot to his feet to seize the
mat and beat it against the floor so that the fire was extinguished.
This could be difficult, observed Benjamin glumly.
Yes sir, agreed Wilson. We appear to be in the midst of
religious zealousness.
Their faces fell even more as Karim began attacking the
cabbage patch with a pick axe. Julius failed to restrain him so
instead urinated on Karim s patch.
The next day Karim got up at five in the morning to begin
work on his patch. Brother Julius, suffering from a homebrew
induced hangover, joined him six hours later to discover that the
tomato patch had been dug up and Karim had sown his own seeds
there. This was too much for Brother Julius who went at Karim
with a fork. Wilson and Benjamin sprung from the kitchen to pull
Julius away and prevent Karim from being impaled.
Brother Julius was eventually bundled into the shed by Wilson
who tried talking sense into him whilst Benjamin dragged Karim
into the kitchen.
Emergency talks were held in the dining room that afternoon.
Wilson sat at the head of the table with Benjamin at the other end.
At the middle opposite one another were Julius and Karim. From
upstairs came the anguished yells and vociferous thumping of Skag.
Can we agree to divide the garden up fairly? Wilson
consulted several pages of notes.
Fifty fifty, said Karim glaring at Julius who scribbled down
his thoughts before passing the paper to Benjamin.
He says he was there first, Benjamin read the note. He
feels he deserves at least seventy five per cent of the garden. He
also resents having a Muslim in the house.
I m not moving! cried an angry Karim.
Okay, okay, sighed Wilson. I think that Brother Julius
must either live with his fellow human being or return to the
monastery. In regards to the garden I believe that it should be
divided into halves. I don t want Karim to feel like he cannot do
his gardening without fear of censure.
Both the plaintiffs went away. One with a beam and the other
with a slouch.
Chapter VI
In which Master Benjamin Bunt discovers
that DH Lawrence had a point.
Skag s screams echoed about the house for several weeks
which caused the police to come round on many occasions after
complaints from the neighbours. Wilson had to explain that they
had a drug addict doing cold chicken which made them nod
knowingly and return to their beat.
Wilson encountered some resistance as he entered the room
with Skag trying to bite him on the ankles or around the shins. His
eyes were red and bloodshot and he seemed incapable of speaking
any coherent English. Snarling and yapping like a beast he prowled
about the floor making Wilson quite relieved to lock the door
behind him and go back downstairs.
That week Benjamin was hit by a vicious bout of flu so that
he was bed ridden, truly miserable and up to no greater
intellectual task than reading comics which Wilson had arranged to
be posted from his bedroom in Bunt Hall. Wilson, as ever, had
everything under his brilliant control. He ordered a local doctor out
on call, claiming that a member of the royal line s life was in
grave danger. The doctor told him to stay in bed and take
headache tablets. Homemade soup and stew were spoon fed to him
three times a day along with hot lemon drinks and teas aplenty.
He spent his nights shivering while curled up in a ball and his
days watching chavs fighting on morning television.
Has Jane been back? asked Benjamin as his teeth chattered
underneath the mountains of blankets covering him before Wilson
popped a thermometer in his mouth.
Unfortunately not sir, replied Wilson checking his watch.
Um& erm..erm&
Perhaps she s still with her lady friends in Soho?
Ummmm, Benjamin shook his head angrily.
No point in worrying about Miss Jakes sir, Wilson counted
down the seconds. The fairer sex are an enigma at the best of
times. Many a male member of the Bunt family has been vexed or
nearly driven to madness by them.
Um!
Your father was the only Bunt in recent generations to find
a decent lady. A fine upstanding lady your mother was. Not just a
Queen but an amazing character. She was a marvel with a shotgun.
Not a stag in Bunt Hall lived long with her in residence. But she
also ran soup kitchens in Belgravia and Kensington. She was a very
charitable woman. And apparently she gave good head and your
father never had better anal sex. Otherwise the Bunt men have had
little success with the fairer sex. Great Uncle Broderick always
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